Thoughts from a blackhole

Part 3

Anyone who knows me well will be expecting this post, because they would know that I have lost my darling blackberry.

I am retreating further into the darkness as we speak. Fucked up, fucked up, fucked up.

I lost my blackberry; my companion. There is this human need for companionship; a need to find something or someone who will give you undivided attention. Someone or something who you know is always thinking about you; someone or something that you can fall back on. I found this in my blackberry and now it is gone. The most fucking painful part of this is that it was my fault. An extra iota of vigilance on my part, and my blackberry would be resting itself on my pillow as we speak.

Everything just seems to be getting worse. I am thankful however, that in my life, I have been slowly going downward; from good to bad. This gives me the capability to be able to handle this loss. Another little drop can’t kill me.

I am still writing this fucked up diary, diary. So I guess you know I am going to speak about geeky girl. I hope she can fill the void.

Band practice tonight. I do not feel like I am properly motivated. I have been thinking about the songs we are going to do, and the basic fact that I am going to get to drum. I am going to be able to make sweet music. This lifts my soul. The agonizing part is the wait. I have to so fucking wait till night-time before I get to drum. It is fucking eroding me; erasing me. I hope I do not disappear from the world before band practice.

Blackberry gone; mobile music gone. I am King of the darkness now. Not one little speck of light.


You know what happened last night? When I realized that I had lost my phone? I fucking prayed to God. I fucking prayed to God. Even if He exists, all the fucked up things I have done cannot allow me enough redemption to get my phone back. Oh wait a minute, are they supposed to matter? I don’t think so. But where is my phone now? Gone. So I guess prayer is still an apostrophe then.

Fucked up Christianity has been messing with my head since I was born. Fuck it.

My mother. I don’t want to have to tell her that I lost my phone. Again and again and again and again. All these “agains” in not up to one year. I have been doing so fucking well in school and I have been making her happy. I don’t want to have to break that illusion; it has not lasted long enough. Every fucking time she gets a call about me, it always seems to be something bad; something that makes her unhappy. I don’t want to be that contact on her phone that she never wants to see calling her again. She deserves so much more than me. FUCK FUCK FUCK!

My father will just be disappointed as usual. He expects this shit; he knows me well.

If you fucking exist, God, listen to my fucking plea and make some shit happen.

Fuck me sideways. How do I get back up from this?

(Geeky girl) + (Music) = How to get back up from this

Let’s test that shitty equation shall we?