This is a diary-ish thing I'm doing. There's too much swirling around in my head. I have to let some of it go. Not many people read my blog anyways, so not many people have to bother themselves with this. You don't have to read it; the process of writing this shit just makes me feel better. It organizes my thoughts and gives me some delusional feeling that everything's fine. I'm ranting. Fuck it. Just read it if you want to; but you really don't have to. Please don't give me crap about my shit because I already told you its shit. Everything is real.
Part 1
Fuck. Where to begin. My head is a fucking mess right about now. There’s school and shit; I have to keep up with last semester’s grades. It’s turning out to be fucking impossible. There’s this course I’m doing that requires divine intervention and the fucked up part is I don’t believe in all that crap. I need a push. I need a push. I feel like the dude in Avatar; speaking into a microphone.
I can seriously see the lure of the diary now. It just somehow feels better to tell someone you know? My head has been aching from all the thoughts I’ve been carrying around in it and the headache is actually letting up as I write more. It’s actually letting up. Un-fucking-believable.
I am very concerned about the concert. I haven’t drummed consistently for three years now and I’m feeling a little bit apprehensive. However, I know I’m the fucking best in the world. People used to line up to watch me drum in secondary school. That good. I know it sounds arrogant and vain, and all that moralist bullshit, but you just can’t touch me when I’m in my element. I’m invincible when I’m drumming; when I’m drumming right. I feel like I can say and do anything I fucking want to when I’m drumming and the fucking truth is that I CAN! It’s the best fucking feeling in the world!
Back to the concert. I feel like this thing has to work right or not work at all. I know there’s no market for rock music in this fucked up, backward country that I was unfortunate to be born in. But, when you do something and you do it right, and you do it better than everybody else, people will recognize you. They have to. They’ll be forced to. I know I’m doing this concert for myself; to get back on my drumming shit. But I need people at the concert. It’s not a rock concert if people aren’t there. I love to know that my talent is getting people riled up and shit. I’d love to feel that someone loves my shit. It’s a blessing to be able to play music; it’s a blessing to be able to touch people with your music. And I can feel it when someone is feeling my shit. I felt it in the last concert I did, and it gave me a purpose to live. This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.
So I’m going to do my best to make this concert fucking rock. It’s going to be so fucking hard. The amount of planning that we have to do, the amount of rehearsing that we have to do, is fucking staggering. It’s shaken me to my bones. I couldn’t sleep last night because of the immense work that I have to do to make this concert rock. I just can’t help feeling that this concert is going to jumpstart my unrealistic dream of becoming a rockstar. If it happens.
I need weed.
Talking about not sleeping last night, she keeps popping into my mind. Every fucking minute of the day. I know I don’t know her and shit, and I know I’m the most fucking touchy guy in the world. If she has bad manners, or disgusting habits, I probably will never have an erection. BUT. BUT BUT BUT. I doubt it will be so; and that’s why she keeps popping into my fucking mind. It’s becoming very fucking silly. I absolutely detest being like this. It’s not love as defined by hopeless romantics. It’s a fucking obsession; and I love it! It’s the rockstar way of doing things. She has like so much in common with me, and I think that’s what I need right about now; someone I can be myself with. This diary-ish thing will die if she becomes part of my world. IT MUST HAPPEN!
I would so fucking love to do her. It will be so fucking hot.
Scratch that. I need skunk.
Thing is, I can’t make her feel the same way. Plus, I’m not the dude for the whole courting thing. I just hope that she’s not like other chics and I have to fulfill some fucking social protocol so I can just talk to her. I hope she’s like the image I have in my head. I’m getting the right vibe from my interaction with her; but the medium of interaction is not conclusive, and she might be pretending. I want to know for sure, and I want it to happen, but I have a knack for not getting what I want. It’s a human thing to not want to try and get disappointing results. So I guess I have to be superhuman; because I REALLY want this to happen. She will be just the right rockchic for me.
I f a God exists, listen to my fucking plea and fucking prove yourself.
Look at me ranting. Two years ago, and I would not even have felt anything.
Time to withdraw into the darkness and be depressed. I’m not getting a lot of sleep again tonight. I’m going to listen to Tokio Hotel’s Automatic and put my media player on repeat. We have to do a cover of that song at the concert; the drums are too fucking crazy.
Dr. Evil just said “Another day has passed, and I’m older.” So fucking true.
Dr. Evil just helped me title this post.
I need a fucking cigarette.
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your 'diary' entry...
ReplyDeleteI totally get the way you feel. Writing does help with releasing a lot of pent-up feelings and it organizes your thoughts. It can be immensely therapeutic. Especially when you can't really talk to anyone about what's going on inside your head because they wouldn't understand and you're not sure yourself anyway.
You play the drums? Cool. I wish you luck at your concert.
But you don't NEED weed. You WANT weed.
This girl. Maybe you should just talk to her and get it over with, instead of torturing yourself? It's easy. Just ask her if she's gonna bang...lol
I LOVE that song, btw.
Are you gonna bang? Lady in Red.
ReplyDeleteWeirdSirra...huh?
ReplyDeleteNo I don't mind at all, Ms. Sandiego. Glad somebody gets me.
ReplyDeleteYeah! The concert! It's happening here! In AUN! You are most cordially invited. I will still do this in person though.
By the way, mum's the word. The concert is still uncertain.
Need weed. Want weed. When you've gone so far down the line like I have, it almost becomes the same thing. Cigarettes are poison though. But I can't live without them.
And the girl. You don't even know the half of it. But you just might.
"You gonna bang?". That was funny. No surprise that WierdSirra got in on it.
Much love. Peace.
So forgetful. Automatic is so cool! And you are so cool to LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteRemember that scene in the video when the robots want to kiss and the girl robot turns away?
I totally draw the scene in boring classes. My drawing is totally fucked up by the way so don't look forward to that.
The point remains, you are so cool to love it!
As you say, Bravo.
The video comes close to being as awesome as the song :)
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah I remember that scene. It was...touching, for want of a better word.
Haha, well art is subjective anyway.
:)
My lips are sealed about the concert. I'm psyched tho. A rock concert, in AUN. Ok. Wow.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, a lot of people's lives would improve in quality if they tried to kick it without weed and cigarettes.
Sounds like you've never seen the girl before. You met her online. Am I right?
Yeah you're right. You'd be surprised at how right you are.
ReplyDeleteLife without weed is ignorance. It opens enormous stores of wisdom. Cigarettes are just cool and I half-agree that people would be better off without them.You see, I'm still addicted. Weed is good. Yeah.
LIR i was putting your theory to the test. Remember u offered him sound advice when u said"It's easy. Just ask her if she's gonna bang...lol". Im now asking if u wanna bang :)
ReplyDeleteYay! I love being right. Who doesn't tho? ^^
ReplyDeleteSince I have never smoked weed before, I shall not contend with you on that.
WierdSirra, I was referring to the girl he was talking about, not myself. I wouldn't want to be asked that question. Besides, I was only kidding.
Anyway. No. I don't.
Lolzz aww , u broke my heart, wud it help if i added please at the end? anywaysi thot it was obvious that i was equally kidding....or not but my point is u gave the advice yet u said and i quote "I wouldn't want to be asked that question". Sha, pls write another controversial post. i cant wait to get on ppl's nerves with my commentary. Happy Friday :)
ReplyDeleteLol Happy Friday to you too.
ReplyDelete