FIREFLY

It is very hard to capture. Like a firefly, it moves, you can see it shining bright in the darkness, it is illuminated, yet it is hard to capture.

I’ve been waiting patiently by the river in my ever-present darkness. Even now that the Sun rises, my darkness remains.

All this shit in my life; shit shit shit. All this shit that constantly brings me to my fucking knees. All this shit that I don’t need. All this shit that doesn’t make a difference. All this shit that never brings an iota of light to my darkness. All this shit that makes more darkness.

Here I lie on my own in a separate sky.

Here I lie on my own in a separate sky.

I don’t wanna die on my own here tonight.

But here I lie on my own in a separate sky. [Prospekt’s March/Poppy Fields by Coldplay]

So I search for my firefly; waiting here patiently by the river in a separate sky. Blinded by the river blindness; fucked up by the shit in my life.

God knows that I am so fucking high right now and God also knows that I don’t want to be.

Swimming in Poppy fields trying to escape from the darkness.

God knows that when I have my firefly in my jar, I don’t fucking need the Poppy fields. I don’t need their temporary warmth.

But she has to breathe. She has to go away to breathe. I can’t keep her in my jar for too long or she will die.

I have to wait here by this river, in my darkness, everyday, just to capture the firefly again.

Oh but when. Oh but when. This little light of mine, it shines far more intensely than the fucking Sun. The Sun for all its warmth, and its far reaching rays, and its fucking destructive power that fucking killed the god Icarus, retreats behind the moon when my firefly shines.

It does; it runs away from all that power. It fears the power of my firefly; it fears it more than God, its creator.

This is the power that I hide behind; this is the power that I am comfortable with. This is the power that I control.

BUT

It is very hard to capture. Like a firefly, it moves, you can see it shining bright in the darkness, it is illuminated, yet it is hard to capture.

Do you envy me?

Do you?

You should.

There is nothing else that matters in this life but your happiness. There is no life without happiness. Without it, you are but a spectre; a figment of God’s imagination. You are a ghost, moving around the earth without purpose.

I have all that you lack; I have all that will give you physical presence. I have all that you lack in my jar; my firefly in my jar. You are not my equal. We do not stand on equal footing because you cannot stand. You are a ghost.

This is why you should envy me.

Envy me, bitch. Envy me. Without envy, you will lack the drive to catch your own firefly. You think that you are content? You think you are content because your mind is cloudy; you are a ghost.

Envy me for your own good.

Catch your own fucking firefly; gain your humanity. Become a human being; become a mortal. Your immortality is paid for by your ghostliness. Gain this short mortal life for that light that comes from the firefly.

Immortal ghost to short-lived human being.

It is not a deposition, it is an improvement.

It is very hard to capture. Like a firefly, it moves, you can see it shining bright in the darkness, it is illuminated, yet it is hard to capture.

This happiness, it is very hard to capture.