I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT

Ok so there’s a lot of expectation from me in my house. From my parents especially. Today they sat me down and grilled me about my “poor” GPA average. If you were an unbiased spectator and you looked at my academic record, you’d say “Hey, that’s about right.” But they’re looking at it from the inside. They know why I failed every time I failed. They were there for those academic triumphs that I made against all odds, and above all my peers.

So they know I’m no dullard.

Which is just the worst thing ever. I wish they thought I was a fucking dumbass. They expect from me, every fucking time, nothing less than an A. Man you should have seen them after my first semester. I get ONE fucking A minus and they’re wrinkling their noses, making faces and asking “Why did you get an A minus? Why couldn’t you get an A?” Like what the fuck? I’m thinking “You guys are lucky I’m getting any fucking A’s at all.”

But it’s like they can read my thoughts and they say to me – “Your education is not for us, it’s for you.” Yeah, right. It’s for me. If it was for me, then wouldn’t I kinda like it? Wouldn’t I kinda wanna pass? If it was for me would I play ‘Bubble gum, bubble gum’ to choose my major?

No.

I know my academic record is pretty fucked up. I made really silly mistakes that if avoided, could easily add about a 0.5 to my GPA average. Mistakes like forgetting to go for a final exam and getting a B instead of an A. Mixing up final exam dates and missing two final exams; one B and one C instead of two potential A’s. Telling my teacher to go fuck herself; getting an F instead of a sure A. Taking Hyman, Hansen, Adi, and Taiwo in the same semester against all reasonable advice (including the advice of a professor come to think of it). I’ve made many stupid mistakes which if avoided, could have made me a potential candidate for valedictorian; in the league of the geeks. (By the way, I swear I don’t mean to be rude, but if you wanna be valedictorian easily, try doing CMD or skip a few semesters and graduate with the Spring 2009ers. They’re not too er...bright. To my knowledge.)

But imagine a geek with my mistakes. Fuck. They would be so pissed with themselves if they were me. It’s almost like failing on purpose to them. It’s not like something they couldn’t control happened. They made these mistakes; they’d be furious with themselves. I know this; I know a few school geeks.

But really, I don’t fucking care. My academic transcript makes me a little-bit-above-average student at best. But I don’t fucking care. For me, it doesn’t take a 4.0 GPA for me to know that you’re clever, or you’re smart (although they are kinda related), and it also doesn’t take me getting a 4.0 GPA for me to feel good about myself. Fuck that shit.

But the expectation in my house. Fuck. Today my father said what they’ve been saying since I left secondary school – “If I knew you couldn’t do it, then I wouldn’t ask it of you. But I know that you can do it!”

Fucking hell. I don’t mean anything by this, but my sister brings home a grade report equally as considerably-more-than-average as me but does she get any shit? Nope. She was a smart ass in primary school! Ok maybe she dropped a little in secondary school, but she is far from average! There was like one A on her grade report. If that was me, fucking hell, all of Lagos would know how big a disappointment I am, how much I’m giving in to peer pressure, how much I don’t appreciate what my parents are doing for me, how much I’ve become such a bad boy. And it’s all because they know I can do it.

I hate it when someone tells me that they know I can do it. And it’s not just my parents that tell me. I hate it to damn hell. Fuck. How do you know I can do it? Are you in my fucking head? What the fuck?

One time I came back home and I got a B plus in Econometrics and my parents ask me again “Why did you get a B plus?” I go “It was hard!” And they go “That’s just an excuse.” With the implied I-know-you-can-do-it.

IT WAS FUCKING HARD!!!!!!!

Jesus H. Christ.

Fucking hell. I’m tired of the high expectations.

One of my professors, Professor Hyman, asked me why I keep fucking up all his classes and I told him very truthfully that it was because he rarely tests his students. Two out of three of the Hyman courses I took, the method of grading was just a final paper due at the end of the semester. I told him I was not to be trusted with such freedom. Just come to class, sit down, listen to bullshit, say bullshit, and turn in a paper after three months, I’m bound to run wild. Because my mind was never here in the first place, I never wanted to be here. Bongo Adi for instance gave us tests like every two weeks. I had to sit my ass up in his class. I mean look at it, the lowest I ever got in a Bongo Adi class is an A minus. And that was only one out of five times. In Hyman, I’ve got a B plus, An F, A WP, and another WP (sort of).

Do you know why Professor Hyman gave me my last WP? I was the only one that he gave in the whole class.

Come on. Try. Guess. Look at the title of the damn post.

Because he knew I could do it.

FUCKING HELL.

And I’ve still not done it by the way. I’m supposed to turn in the paper on Monday and I haven’t got past the introduction. I even have cheats.

Man, I agree with my parents. Maybe I have the potential. I’m in class sometimes and the teacher says something and some students are still asking “What?” while I got the shit already. The class becomes boring. I guess it’s a gift. But I just can’t put in the study time. So I guess it still boils down to the same fucking thing. I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT.

I’m a dumbass. I can’t do it.

I’m not a dumbass but I’m lazy. I still can’t do it.

It’s the same fucking thing. Fuck. Call me a dumbass. I DON’T FUCKING CARE!

This school shit, it’s not for me. I don’t want to be here. I used to hate Professor Hyman, but we had a little talk about this, and he was totally cool about my extra-curricular life goals. And he was totally honest with me. He said he’d fail me if I failed.

I like him now by the way, cc @ O.O.

And that’s all I want. Fail me if I fail. But don’t call me to the side and tell me I coulda passed.

DON’T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT ALREADY?????!!!!!

Fuck. I failed means that I failed.

I know I can’t do it.

But you know I can do it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I TOLD YOU I CAN’T DO IT!!!!!!

Fuck. I’m me. Are you me?

Jesus H. Christ.

I know I can’t do it. But I have to do it. The best I’ve done is the Dean’s list. It’s very fucking annoying by the way. The Dean’s list is from 3.51 to 3.75 and the President’s list is 3.76 to 4.0. I’m always riding 3.75. It’s so fucking annoying. At least like a 3.755 and an approximation or sumin.

Anyway, 3.75 is the best, but my parents want a 4.0 on the fucking dot this semester. And it’s not like I have the easiest combination of courses ever. But they don’t care about that. I’m a shredder that they pump cash into every semester. They don’t care about that. I have to shred their cash in a 4.0 manner. That’s all they wanna see.

Come on mummy. Come on daddy. I know I can’t do it.

But you know I can.

So I guess I have to. You know there are these things that human beings do that they never knew they could do? When you see my name of the President’s list, just imagine an avatar next to it depicting me with my mouth open, and that surprised look on my face. Like “Wow! I’m a Jedi!” Yeah, that kind of surprise.

I just want all this pressure off my back. Everybody expects me to be top notch. The only way to remove pressure is to fail woefully, or do what people expect of you. You can’t be in the middle. People will always tell you they know you can do better. If you fail woefully, they’ll be like “Hmmm. Perhaps I was wrong.” And they’ll leave you the fuck alone.

But fail woefully? Nah. Are you fucking kidding me? I have to be able to get into a school for my master’s abroad and leave this fucking country.

But I still want the pressure off my back. It makes coming home, in Lagos, the city of cities, unbearable. It makes me squabble with my family and sometimes hate them. It makes them hate me all the time. It just fucks up my vacation every fucking time.

So I have to do what I know I can’t do, but what you know I can do. Just to get a little peace in my fucking life.

“Hey Bode, I know you can do it.”

Yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah.