I’ve always loved politics. I’ve always loved the way that politicians lie to us and play with our heads. I’ve always loved the power that comes with public office. I want to be leader of this shit country. I want the power. I want to be able to change things.
I’ve always loved Africa. We are the cradle of life. Every-fucking-thing in the world came from this shit continent. We understood Physics and Chemistry before the white dude called it Physics and Chemistry. The best mathematical minds can be found in ancient Egypt where they built pyramids with such complex mathematics that the world can still not unravel it. Wouldn’t you be proud of such a heritage?
But it’s just a heritage now; a mere memory.
Let us follow our descent from near-ultimate glory to near-ultimate disgrace. So the old days passed away and we forgot all the shit that we had learnt about the world. I daresay we had already deciphered most of it and shit just got boring; so we pressed the pause button. Or we just forgot. However, we were still the most knowledgeable people in the world. The white dude came to Africa, got bit by the mosquito, died in tons, and called the disease malaria. Does that make him knowledgeable? Nope. After they called it malaria, they still died in droves. Why? Because they built their houses by the water; feeling ingenious and believing they could cheat the temperate climate by doing this. All, not almost all, ALL African dwellings were built far away from the water. Why? Because we knew that was where the mosquitoes did their breeding. We had no cure, knew we had no cure, so we moved away. That’s knowledge; not being able to name shit. By the time the white dumbasses realized this, hundreds of them had died.
So we had the peaceful, knowledgeable and wise life. Simple life. We were cool with ourselves. Then the white guy came and said “Oy! You’re uncivilized” ‘Oy! You’re dirty” “Oy! You call what you’re wearing clothes?” “Oy! Your houses are round. Ours are square!” “Oy! I don’t understand what you’re saying so say it this way!” “Oy! You can’t marry more than one wife!” “Oy! What the fuck is Sango? God is the shizznizz!” And at the end of it all, “Oy! If you don’t do it my way, I’ll fucking blow your brains out with my gun!”
The white man knew that we wouldn’t want to yield to his ways because quite frankly, he wouldn’t want to yield to any other person’s way. So he got his gun. But that was not the sin. The sin was believing that civilizing us was for our own good. I mean if you’ve got a gun pointed at my head, and you force me to speak English, I see nothing wrong with that. I can’t see anything wrong with that. You’ve got a fucking gun pointed at my fucking head. What the fuck do you expect me to say? But no, white guy believed that the gun was a necessary evil. By civilizing us, he made us forget not only who we were, but the enormous banks of knowledge and wisdom that our people had gathered over millennia.
Same thing happened after we got our independence. We imitated the parliamentary government because that’s what the white man did. “Oy! Democracy is the way forward! Everything else is wrong!”
We imitated the parliamentary government because the western world had cracked down every non-democratic form of government that they could. They fucked Hitler up, raped Mussolini, and nearly wiped out the whole of South America. We didn’t want that shit. So we complied. Just look at all the military governments that came after our parliamentary experiment. The western world condemned and condemned and condemned. Western press condemned our leaders, pulling out the humanitarian card, the freedom of speech card, and the death toll card.
You know, what the fuck? Like what the fuck? The death toll card. Really? The amount of people that the west has killed in its egotistic and profiteering wars outnumbers the African death toll by a continent at least. World War I and II. Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The two Gulf wars (geddit?). The whole of fucking South America. The forefathers of you fuckers wearing Fubu and buying ice in ATL. After all this, Tony Blair can seriously sit in his office, think about it for a second, and then open his mouth and criticize Sani Abacha for hanging nine dudes in Ogoniland? Nine dudes? Really? Nine dudes against what, at least a hundred million? And he opened his mouth to say shit? Fuck that.
From Pharaohs to the proper-fucked. Our transition has been a result of poking noses and pointing fingers. Imagine a dude in a cage being screamed at and poked with knives non-stop. Everybody’s going “You’re wrong! You’re wrong! You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” He can’t endure this shit forever. He eventually goes “Yeah, alright, alright, I’m wrong!” This dude’s name is Africa. We have been criticized from the first day that the modern people knew that we existed.
The message, and the remedy is to LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE.
Goddamit. Leave us the fuck alone.
There is no fucking country in Africa that democracy works. Look at Nigeria. Fifty years this year that we’ve existed and we have made no progress. Everything is still in turmoil. Four fucking republics we have had. Four fucking start-again points. And you ask me why? Why we had to roll up the paper and throw it in the bin four fucking times? Are you asking me? Really?
This shit is not meant for us. We don’t have to be democratic. Look at yourself in the mirror. You’re wearing a fucking three-piece suit. Look at your skin. Is it white? Look outside your window. Is it snowing? Look at your business degree. Does that guy that’s going to give you the contract care? Open your mouth and speak English. Does your mother care?
But you wear a three-piece suit in the heat of Africa. And you get a western business degree to come work in Africa. And you speak English and forget your language. And you support democracy. You do all the white things that white people found for themselves and made to work for them.
All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world [Just Stop by Disturbed].
You are quick to imitate what the white dude says is right. Have you ever paused to think why? Is it because they are wealthy and influential? You want to be like them? If that’s what you thought then you are a fucking shallow bitch. All the riches that the white man has attained in this world was off your fucking back, you bitch. Have you ever been to Malaysia? Beautiful fucking place. Beautiful. They made their money from selling oils to the whole world; the seeds of this oil which they took from the shores of Nigeria. Scratch that, no, you stupid people actually gave them as a gift; in a stupid, sucking-up, elaborate ceremony. You made Malaysia and you are now Malaysia’s bitch. THINK. Don’t imitate, THINK.
Stop listening to criticism. Just fucking stop and THINK for yourself.
And you, white bitch. Stop criticizing. Leave us the fuck alone. Never have you supported a black initiative. You just criticize and criticize, and say that you’re helping.
Western imperialism is a bitch, and you are a bitch if you are under its umbrella.
Africa, you are a bitch. Do you know who’s not a bitch? Venezuela, Cuba, and China. And guess who’s ruling the world? Oh my God, can it be? Yes it is bitch. It’s CHINA. And there’s not a shred of democracy in that populous country.
Do you know the shit that the west has said about China? Human rights, devaluing their currency, oppression, the wickedness of the one-child policy, the Tiananmen square massacre and how it was a massacre (like we didn’t know that already) and so many other stupid things. The Chinese dudes just pretended like they didn’t understand English (they probably didn’t) and they did their shit anyway. But you stupid Africans run around and bow down at everything the white dude says. ‘Yes mister, I’m corrupt” “Yes mister, I’ll marry just one wife.” Yes mister, yes mister. Fucking bitch.
The west found democracy themselves and found that it worked for them. That’s why they prosper. China found that its communist government works for it and that’s why it prospers. We are imitating the west and that’s why we are shit.
We have to dig deep into our history, remember who we were and find ourselves again. We have to find out what works for us and we shall prosper. It is not a coincidence that under Ibrahim Babangida (I will be voting for that dude!) and Sani Abacha, we enjoyed years of economic prosperity. The oil boom period, when we made more money than any other country in the world, was characterized by military rule. It is not a coincidence.
This is what I’d do if I were leader of this shit country. Back to the roots; back to the drawing board. Tell all those western imperialists to shut tha fuck up. Back to black.
Vote Olabode Ogunshina for President of the African Republic of Nigeria, 2035.
Thank you.
I’ve always loved Africa. We are the cradle of life. Every-fucking-thing in the world came from this shit continent. We understood Physics and Chemistry before the white dude called it Physics and Chemistry. The best mathematical minds can be found in ancient Egypt where they built pyramids with such complex mathematics that the world can still not unravel it. Wouldn’t you be proud of such a heritage?
But it’s just a heritage now; a mere memory.
Let us follow our descent from near-ultimate glory to near-ultimate disgrace. So the old days passed away and we forgot all the shit that we had learnt about the world. I daresay we had already deciphered most of it and shit just got boring; so we pressed the pause button. Or we just forgot. However, we were still the most knowledgeable people in the world. The white dude came to Africa, got bit by the mosquito, died in tons, and called the disease malaria. Does that make him knowledgeable? Nope. After they called it malaria, they still died in droves. Why? Because they built their houses by the water; feeling ingenious and believing they could cheat the temperate climate by doing this. All, not almost all, ALL African dwellings were built far away from the water. Why? Because we knew that was where the mosquitoes did their breeding. We had no cure, knew we had no cure, so we moved away. That’s knowledge; not being able to name shit. By the time the white dumbasses realized this, hundreds of them had died.
So we had the peaceful, knowledgeable and wise life. Simple life. We were cool with ourselves. Then the white guy came and said “Oy! You’re uncivilized” ‘Oy! You’re dirty” “Oy! You call what you’re wearing clothes?” “Oy! Your houses are round. Ours are square!” “Oy! I don’t understand what you’re saying so say it this way!” “Oy! You can’t marry more than one wife!” “Oy! What the fuck is Sango? God is the shizznizz!” And at the end of it all, “Oy! If you don’t do it my way, I’ll fucking blow your brains out with my gun!”
The white man knew that we wouldn’t want to yield to his ways because quite frankly, he wouldn’t want to yield to any other person’s way. So he got his gun. But that was not the sin. The sin was believing that civilizing us was for our own good. I mean if you’ve got a gun pointed at my head, and you force me to speak English, I see nothing wrong with that. I can’t see anything wrong with that. You’ve got a fucking gun pointed at my fucking head. What the fuck do you expect me to say? But no, white guy believed that the gun was a necessary evil. By civilizing us, he made us forget not only who we were, but the enormous banks of knowledge and wisdom that our people had gathered over millennia.
Same thing happened after we got our independence. We imitated the parliamentary government because that’s what the white man did. “Oy! Democracy is the way forward! Everything else is wrong!”
We imitated the parliamentary government because the western world had cracked down every non-democratic form of government that they could. They fucked Hitler up, raped Mussolini, and nearly wiped out the whole of South America. We didn’t want that shit. So we complied. Just look at all the military governments that came after our parliamentary experiment. The western world condemned and condemned and condemned. Western press condemned our leaders, pulling out the humanitarian card, the freedom of speech card, and the death toll card.
You know, what the fuck? Like what the fuck? The death toll card. Really? The amount of people that the west has killed in its egotistic and profiteering wars outnumbers the African death toll by a continent at least. World War I and II. Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The two Gulf wars (geddit?). The whole of fucking South America. The forefathers of you fuckers wearing Fubu and buying ice in ATL. After all this, Tony Blair can seriously sit in his office, think about it for a second, and then open his mouth and criticize Sani Abacha for hanging nine dudes in Ogoniland? Nine dudes? Really? Nine dudes against what, at least a hundred million? And he opened his mouth to say shit? Fuck that.
From Pharaohs to the proper-fucked. Our transition has been a result of poking noses and pointing fingers. Imagine a dude in a cage being screamed at and poked with knives non-stop. Everybody’s going “You’re wrong! You’re wrong! You’re wrong! You’re wrong!” He can’t endure this shit forever. He eventually goes “Yeah, alright, alright, I’m wrong!” This dude’s name is Africa. We have been criticized from the first day that the modern people knew that we existed.
The message, and the remedy is to LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE.
Goddamit. Leave us the fuck alone.
There is no fucking country in Africa that democracy works. Look at Nigeria. Fifty years this year that we’ve existed and we have made no progress. Everything is still in turmoil. Four fucking republics we have had. Four fucking start-again points. And you ask me why? Why we had to roll up the paper and throw it in the bin four fucking times? Are you asking me? Really?
This shit is not meant for us. We don’t have to be democratic. Look at yourself in the mirror. You’re wearing a fucking three-piece suit. Look at your skin. Is it white? Look outside your window. Is it snowing? Look at your business degree. Does that guy that’s going to give you the contract care? Open your mouth and speak English. Does your mother care?
But you wear a three-piece suit in the heat of Africa. And you get a western business degree to come work in Africa. And you speak English and forget your language. And you support democracy. You do all the white things that white people found for themselves and made to work for them.
All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world [Just Stop by Disturbed].
You are quick to imitate what the white dude says is right. Have you ever paused to think why? Is it because they are wealthy and influential? You want to be like them? If that’s what you thought then you are a fucking shallow bitch. All the riches that the white man has attained in this world was off your fucking back, you bitch. Have you ever been to Malaysia? Beautiful fucking place. Beautiful. They made their money from selling oils to the whole world; the seeds of this oil which they took from the shores of Nigeria. Scratch that, no, you stupid people actually gave them as a gift; in a stupid, sucking-up, elaborate ceremony. You made Malaysia and you are now Malaysia’s bitch. THINK. Don’t imitate, THINK.
Stop listening to criticism. Just fucking stop and THINK for yourself.
And you, white bitch. Stop criticizing. Leave us the fuck alone. Never have you supported a black initiative. You just criticize and criticize, and say that you’re helping.
Western imperialism is a bitch, and you are a bitch if you are under its umbrella.
Africa, you are a bitch. Do you know who’s not a bitch? Venezuela, Cuba, and China. And guess who’s ruling the world? Oh my God, can it be? Yes it is bitch. It’s CHINA. And there’s not a shred of democracy in that populous country.
Do you know the shit that the west has said about China? Human rights, devaluing their currency, oppression, the wickedness of the one-child policy, the Tiananmen square massacre and how it was a massacre (like we didn’t know that already) and so many other stupid things. The Chinese dudes just pretended like they didn’t understand English (they probably didn’t) and they did their shit anyway. But you stupid Africans run around and bow down at everything the white dude says. ‘Yes mister, I’m corrupt” “Yes mister, I’ll marry just one wife.” Yes mister, yes mister. Fucking bitch.
The west found democracy themselves and found that it worked for them. That’s why they prosper. China found that its communist government works for it and that’s why it prospers. We are imitating the west and that’s why we are shit.
We have to dig deep into our history, remember who we were and find ourselves again. We have to find out what works for us and we shall prosper. It is not a coincidence that under Ibrahim Babangida (I will be voting for that dude!) and Sani Abacha, we enjoyed years of economic prosperity. The oil boom period, when we made more money than any other country in the world, was characterized by military rule. It is not a coincidence.
This is what I’d do if I were leader of this shit country. Back to the roots; back to the drawing board. Tell all those western imperialists to shut tha fuck up. Back to black.
Vote Olabode Ogunshina for President of the African Republic of Nigeria, 2035.
Thank you.
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