THE LEGEND OF THE NINJA COWS

I mean, you’ve seen them. You’ve seen them. Big fat blobs of pure beef, and a couple horns. They’re big. They’re fat. They’re cows.

Have you seen them move at top speed? I have. When they have to cross the road real quick. When they run, they cause a mini-earthquake; you can hear them from a mile away, but they’re not really moving that fast. I’ve seen them move at top speeds and the herdsmen outrun them easily.

Have you ever seen a lion or a dog run? They’re graceful in their speed. They’re slender and muscular and their bodies are streamlined so that they literally break wind. I dare you to try outrunning a dog or a lion.

This has always been the problem for cows. For centuries, they have been the brunt of the animal kingdom. Other animals made fun of them. Apparently, the highest honour you can receive in the animal kingdom is the title of ninja. And you have to train to become a ninja. You have to be a certain weight, flexible and fast. Other animals taunted the cows saying “None of you can ever become ninjas.”

Cows are stubborn; to an extent. It’s probably because they’re big. It takes a while for their herdsmen to keep them in line with canes, or make them run. Because of their stubborn nature, they never gave up on becoming ninjas. They sat around and discussed their problems; all those reasons why they could never become ninjas. The complained about how evolution was making them bigger and heavier. They had conferences and seminars to talk about the problems of their cows.

However, only a small herd of five cows acted upon their goal of becoming ninjas. These cows, despite their body stature, crept into ninja camp and learned painstakingly to become ninjas. If the lions ran five laps a day, they ran five hundred. If the lions lifted other lions, they lifted unwilling elephants. They trained until they gained unofficial ninja status. Since then, these five ninja cows have been attacking different kinds of animals just so they know that they too can become ninjas. I know they exist because they attacked me two months ago.

If cows can become ninjas, then Nigeria can become a world superpower.

However, we’re like those other cows. We just sit down, day in day out, and talk about why we’re not making it. We talk and talk and talk and never do anything about it. The most annoying thing is if we modeled the world into an animal kingdom, we wouldn’t even be cows. We’d be cheetahs. We have what it takes.

Have you heard your parents talk about how culture is dying? Culture is dying, they say. Our children no longer know how to speak our languages. They have no respect. They don’t wear traditional clothes anymore. In a few generations, our languages will die out. They say all these things, but what do they do about it? I don’t speak Yoruba to my parents; they speak it to me. And they don’t give a fuck if I speak it back.

You complain about your culture dying out and yet the worst-taught subjects in our secondary schools are the languages. And almost all subjects are badly taught. Nobody gives a fuck. If the teachers don’t give a fuck, how do you expect the students to give a fuck? The curriculums for these languages are so basic and dry. They don’t inspire the student to want to learn shit. In most cases, they are modeled after how the English language is taught. Write an essay in Yoruba. Who the fuck wants to write an essay in Yoruba?

In my secondary school, we didn’t have a Yoruba teacher for over five years. Or an Igbo teacher, or a Hausa teacher. Fucking inspectors from the Ministry of Education came to our school every fucking term and they didn’t give a fuck that we didn’t give a fuck about languages. Yet everybody complains that our culture is dying.

In JSS2, when I did Yoruba, there was a brief period when we studied Ifa and all the Yoruba gods. I swear to you, if you give me an exam on Ifa and the Yoruba gods, I will not obtain less than eighty per cent. I can never forget those lessons because they were interesting and fun. The teacher taught according to the textbook, which was very nice, and guess when they were written? In the seventies; when people gave a fuck.

It’s the same thing about everything. About Nigerian politics, about Nigerian movies, about the Nigerian music industry, about the Nigerian educational system, about our roads, about our prisons, about our immigration policies, about the Niger Delta, about Jos.

In fact, I am going to briefly interject myself here and talk about Jos. I am blessed enough to be able to own a BlackBerry, and when the Jos thing was in full gear, there were display pictures and statuses that said “Pray for Jos” and all that motherfucking bullshit. What the fuck did you ever do to help them? Pray? If all they did for New Orleans was prayer, the place would be under the fucking ground by now. Nobody gives a fuck. Not the government, not Nigerians; only people who live in Jos. Now that the Jos issue has died down, nobody puts up those display pictures anymore. Does it mean that people are still not dying? No it doesn’t.

Nobody does anything about it. We just sit down and talk about it. Every day, there are millions of gatherings, I daresay, of old men and young men, sitting down drinking beer and talking about politics.

If talking did it, then we’d have been the only world superpower decades ago.

Fucking cheetahs acting like cows.

I hate this country so much, you have no fucking idea. The people make the country, and the people are just a bunch of lousy blabbermouths who will continue to rot in mediocrity until they learn to shut the fuck up and do shit.

You’re proud to call yourself a Nigerian? Then you’re a fucking fool.

All y’all are fools if you can’t see what’s going on. What you’re doing to yourself.

Name one aspect of life that Nigeria surpasses anyone worth naming in.

You say Nollywood is better than Somalia’s movie industry, but they are elephants, and you are cheetahs. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Every day you wake up, you should cry and slit your fucking wrists because you are fucking wastes of space. Just a large collection of buffoons.

If a cow can become a ninja, then Nigeria can become a world superpower.

Long live the Ninja Cows.