OTHER PEOPLE

Do you know what the problem is? Do you know the constantly fucked up thing about life? It’s that other people exist. It’s that you guys exist.

I do not mean to offend, and I know when people say ‘I don’t mean to offend’, they usually do, but seriously, if I have any credibility with you when I say ‘seriously’, believe me. I do not mean to offend.

In fact, I don’t much give a fuck about you, but you seem to give a whole lot more fucks about me. And this is not about me; it’s about those select dudes and dudettes who are just doing their thing and then you lot just always find a way to bring drama into they fucking lives.

Other fucking people.

You know, there’s this little thing about a chick and a video and shit in AUN, and my rants above might just fit into this scenario. Our very own LadyInRed feels most passionately about this issue, and yes she’s right. Just leave the fucking girl alone, wouldja? I mean, if you wanna crack jokes, do it in the privacy of your ‘peers’ and stop bringing more drama into this chick’s life.

I have this stance that I’ll maintain till I die. All you motherfuckers is hypocrites. All these motherfuckers jumping up and down Twitter would very much like their girlfriends to pose such a gesture at them. However, since it was not their girlfriends that got caught doing this, it’s very much alright to point fingers and damn the girl to hell. Man, she was just DOING HER THING. And it leaked. Yeah, yeah. I mean, crack a few jokes about it, leave it the fuck alone, and maybe, just maybe, get your own.

I was trying to explain your need for gossip to LIR, saying it’s what y’all do, that y’all just have sand in your vaginas and stuff, that your blabbing is inconsequential, but she raised an important point that does not give y’all any excuses. She said “What if the girl can’t take it and she proceeds to commit suicide?” It’s not an other-worldly scenario; these things happen. How would you feel then? You’d feel sorry, uh? You’d mourn and bring out candles and do a procession, uh? After you killed her? You’d do that, wouldn’t you? It’s all fun and pointing fingers and laughter now, and I greatly hope she does not commit suicide, but just put yourself in that scenario. You’re a fucking murderer, that’s what you are. Just because you couldn’t stop your mouth from wagging and your fingers from typing shit.

Think about it. If you need to learn how to think before you talk, or simply learn how to think, you can contact me at +234807FUCKYOU. That fit in quite well; eleven digits.

But this is not about the chick. This is about me. This is about me.

This goes a lot deeper than people talking about me. This is about people simply existing. It’s annoying.

All I wanna do is be with her, y’know. I’m not the most mushy motherfucker, in fact I never knew I had it in me, but all I wanna do is be with her, you know.

All I wanna do is kiss her lips. However, in that little space between our lips, and that little pause before the kiss, there lies the reality that you people exist. There’s always something going on that prevents the maximisation of that kiss. There’s always something in the back of my mind, or in the back of her mind that prevents the kiss from being the pure unadulterated bliss that it’s supposed to be. And it’s because you motherfuckers exist.

Teachers, students, beggars, bankers, celebrities, acquaintances, ants, cows, security guards, all you motherfuckers are the cause of the degeneration of the kiss. If y’all didn’t exist, there would be nothing in the back of my mind, and nothing in the back of hers.

I just want a place where we can be and not be disturbed, and not have to think about anything but ourselves.

See what I mean now? I mean no offence, I just want y’all to be wiped off the surface of the earth. That too much to ask? I didn’t think so.

If you like, as an alternative, all seven billion of you can contribute one dollar each (Hey! Hey! You guys in Somalia are not excused. I know you like make one dollar a year, but this is a sacrifice. For me! You’re doing a good thing! And that one dollar doesn’t really make a difference anyway! Plus you’re used to starving! So get with it!) so that we can get a space shuttle and go away for a while. Maybe never come back.

Ok. I’m sorry about the Somalia rant.

One of my friends sent this Woody Allen quote to me yesterday:

To love is to suffer.
To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, and not to love is to suffer.
To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love.
To be happy then is to suffer.
But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore to be unhappy, one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.

I only suffer because other people exist; and they create other things that she must do, and then she goes away more than she’s here. I don’t have to suffer if other people don’t exist. She doesn’t have to go away if other people don’t exist. She doesn’t have to go away in her head when she’s here, and I don’t have to either, if other people didn’t exist.

Just like one minute, one minute of nothing-but-us time. No nothing else.

I was gonna say ‘if I ever did anything for you’ but I know I’ve done something for you; as rudebode. I have added something to your lives. Even if you ultimately hate me, I have done something for you.

So it’s time to return the favour. You can return the favour simply by dying.

Just die other people, just die.

Thank you, and God bless you.